I’m Only Alive Because I Have No Way To Kill Myself. #growup #getajob

“I don’t know how I would do it.”

“What do you think”, he asked, continuing, “what would it look life perfectly?”

“I would start by slicing the corners off the grilled cheese sandwich.  Next, I would put in the tomato soup squares of cheese. ”

The TV show ended.  They never did get to HAKI, I thought.  Next episode, perhaps?

“Next time”, HR continued saying, “how about you put the squares of cheese in the grilled cheese sandwich and dump the tomato soup down the drain?”

I laughed; bitch, I thought; but, in place, of saying anything–taking a breath, I chuckled and smiled.  She is BUSTING my balls, big time, man!

“So how would you do it perfectly?”, I asked HR, continuing, “what’s your plan for grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup?”

“Well”, HR started, “first, I would cook a BIG T-bone steak.  Then I would smack you across the face with it.  Next, I would smoother that shit in fucking tamarind chutney sauce with a light vinagrette of SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

We laughed.  I don’t know why that joke was so funny, but she made me smile every time that she said it.

I turned on the eye on the range in the kitchen.

“Watch how I make it”, I tell HR as she looks over, continuing, “but… keep your eyes on the range eye… Magic is about to happen.”

She looked at the eye range as I slowly motioned my hands in a figure 8 pattern.

“1… are you ready? 2… still paying attention? 3.”

As I said 3, I reached over and lifted the phone off the hook.

Dialing the number, I hit +84253.65sv.8.  The operator came on the TV receiver in the living room.

“1 large cheese pizza, please.”

I hung up the phone as I turned to look at HR.

“And THAT is how you make a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato sauce.”

Moral of the story?

I don’t know how to cook.

Fuck it though man, I’m going out swinging for the most prefect FUCKING grilled MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN SHIT cheese sandwich with side of tomato soup.

“What the fuck else am I going to do with my time?”, I told HR.

Jamie Smith

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